Elysian

So it begins... I find myself drawn to little A's little brother. Geez, how low I'm going to go? He always looks into my eyes. Whenever I happen to look around, I meet his eyes. Please, don't tell me you like me? I find it a bit disturbing. I don't feel that attractive at all. And c'mon, you're even younger than your brother. About ten years age difference is okay to me, but we have more than that. Can I keep wishing that this is just my imagination?

We had convention last Saturday. I saw him looking at me again. He even changed his position that he could see me better. This breaks my heart. I'm not allowed to like you, so please. I don't want to develop anything towards you. I need someone that can take care of me...

Oh the frustration! I've been sick so I haven't seen him and now it seems that he's sick since I haven't seen him and blah. Why the out of sight out of mind thing doesn't work? Whatever I do I still think about him and dream about him. It has always the same pattern. I try to resist, very hard, but I always end up succumbing to him. Some say that love doesn't care about age or anything. Well, that might be true, but I'm troubled by the age difference. I shouldn't be feeling anything towards him. But the more I try to forbid it from myself, the more I seem to come to like and think about him. There's so many but's. He's way too young, I don't really know anything about him and finally the most important thing, what does he think about me?

And for the dude I had some weird interest in, stop looking at me. I don't like it. There's no feelings for you. There's no like, no hate, nothing. I feel nothing towards him. Maybe some disgust, revulsion. Definately no attraction.

Oh my little A. Can't I have you?

Seems like I'm not infatuated anymore. There's noone in my head right now. Not even little A. It's kinda relief. But instead, I'm so into fictional men again. My ideal man seems to be so unreal that I doubt I'll never get him. Though it's not the exterior people fall in love with finally. Personality is bigger thing than appearance. But appearance does have its own place in love's equation. I want to find a man with nice looks and nice personality. A balanced solution. Decent intelligence is must too. I want to be awed by him.

But let's talk about fictional men, alright. I love beautiful men with awesome body. Nice abs, nice biceps. Manly, but dashing face. Eyebrows, I absolutely love strong eyebrows. And lips. Wow, beautiful lips are so sexy. Broad shoulders, smaller hips. That's about it, my fantasy man. Well, a general bishounen from shoujo manga.

I can't stand being alone anymore! Please! Someone! Take me!

Why do I feel like that all single men are eyeing me? Come on girl! Get a grip! It's impossible. Also I find it weird that little A's aunt's husband has eye on me too. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything but the fact he also knows that I'm crazy about the little A. Crazy is good word for this. I don't quite feel like myself. Part time normal, part time bonkers.

I haven't bothered to think too deeply about my feelings about little A. I'm so sure that the feelings will go away if I ignore them. Sometimes it's difficult to not to notice them. Especially when I feel the cold fire in my veins and burning heat on my cheeks. I try to convince myself that it's impossible. And then I have absolutely wonderful dream about him and there we go again. I must stop this before reality and fantasy is going to entwine so badly that I'm unable to escape.

I really, really, really love you, little A of my dreams. I'm not too sure about the real one.

Stupid thoughts go away. I want a man, not a boy, so why oh why my brain? Would you please set little A aside for a moment? You can't fill a cup that's already full. I hate these "oh god I must HAVE him" thoughts. I still get chills from him and my blood turns cold and my cheeks are burning. And still I'm puzzled about his little brother. Tell, why are you looking at me? If your big bro is too young for me, you're definately way too young for me. Can't you tell? I'm thirty now! I'm more mature than you are. I have more experience than you. What kind of little boy magnet am I?!

I decided to wait until I'm thirtyfive before I get married. I want to get my life going well without anyone and I think that I can wait five more years. But these frickin' boys are making me uncomfortable! If you want to know me or something, it won't happen by itself. I won't eat you...

I've managed to ignore him for a long time now. And it's really funny, because I have noticed that he keeps watching me. Poor little A, dissappointed that I'm not showing any interest anymore? Or is it - as my idiotical side wants to believe - interest? And then it comes again... I'm damn too unpretty for him! At least for now.

Last weekend was two day convention. I has always huge impact on my selfesteem when I see all those skinny, pretty and nicely dressed sisters there. I feel so ugly and fat compared to them. But then I remember that damn, I have awesome personality compared to them. I'd like to think that they all are superficial and not as good wife material as I am. And there, amongst all the skinny/pretty sisters, he's looking at me. ME! Should I feel flattered? Well, actually I'm not. I'm more like confused, puzzled. It's either interest or he ponders if I'm still interested.

Still... I would consider him.

He must know. He must. I'm that kind of person that all my feelings are shown on my face. I can't hide what I feel unless I do it on purpose. When I know what feeling to hide it goes well, but otherwise everyone can guess what my emotions are. But I just can't help it. I'm drawn to him. Unlike with the-one-I-don't-bother-to-think-about, my feelings are the same every morning. Even if I'm in agony at night, I still like him in the morning. My blood turns cold when I think the next time I'll see him. I'd really like to know what he thinks about me. I'm confused. This is beauty and the beast backwards. He's so gorgeous, beautiful. And I'm plain, plump. I don't even use much make-up. Well, it's "what you see is what you get". Atleast I don't cover my face with thick make-up.

Whenever my brain goes on idle setting, I start thinking about him. But it's pleasant, compared to the certain someone I'm not comfortable to talk about. That one was older and his looks can't be compared with my little A. My heart aches. Even the possibility, that he might have some interest in me makes my whole body go numb. My heart is squeezed into small ball. My blood is like ice, but my face feels like it's burning. If he was to talk to me, I think my knees would go all jelly.

But my affection isn't pure. I'm not innocent, not one bit.

I finally know little M's first name. Now on little M is little T. And I must admit that there's now third little boy... He's little V. So, little A, little T and little V. They're all soooo cute! But they're so different. Let's take Harry Potter to describe them. Little A is totally Draco. Then little V is Harry Potter and little T is Neville Longbottom. And I don't mean just their character, but looks too.

Getting married and all that is not the main thing to make me happy. I'm quite happy alone. But I just yearn for companionship, friendship and romance. Caring for someone. I think that's more important to make someone else happy that making oneself happy. If I could give happiness to my most beloved person I would be happy too.

I know I will find someone. But the thing is, I WANT IT NOW.

The thought that he would never want me is becoming unbearable. Please, I want you to want me... This is like from Beauty and the Beast. Like Beast says: Oh, it's no use. She's so beautiful, and I'm... Well, look at me! I know that feel bro. I'm pretty, but all this goddammit fat covers it. And when I'm not thinking about my looks, I start to worry over my personality. Am I too boyish or something. I do know, that in love all that matters not. But I just cannot worry.

I can imagine hordes of young women around him, that's how good looking he is. But I can also, well, sense that he might be nice person to live with. At least I think I'm easy person to get along with. I wouldn't mind his hobbies, music taste or anything. I don't feel any need to change him. I like the way he dresses. He can do whatever he wants if he just likes me.

Geh, I'm so stupid.

There's three boys I kinda like. First is little A, he's so gorgeous! Then there is little A's little brother D and little M. Why I must be so old and they so young? I really want to date someone. Most of my problems would vanish with that, since most of my problems are caused by frustration. I have never before felt this kind of need for love. But come one! Why I keep checking on boys when I need a man?