elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2013-03-18 02:54 am

Brain, seriously

So it begins... I find myself drawn to little A's little brother. Geez, how low I'm going to go? He always looks into my eyes. Whenever I happen to look around, I meet his eyes. Please, don't tell me you like me? I find it a bit disturbing. I don't feel that attractive at all. And c'mon, you're even younger than your brother. About ten years age difference is okay to me, but we have more than that. Can I keep wishing that this is just my imagination?

We had convention last Saturday. I saw him looking at me again. He even changed his position that he could see me better. This breaks my heart. I'm not allowed to like you, so please. I don't want to develop anything towards you. I need someone that can take care of me...
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2013-02-27 08:11 pm

History

The curse has ended. I finally free. My heart is free to fall in love again.

As I said numerous times, he was only a dream. That little A. He couldn't care less about me, so I finally got over him. If he doesn't even bother to remember my name, what's the point wanting him? I don't care, because this realization set me free. He does still look delicious, but who wants a kid? Not me. Anymore at least.

Anyways, I have new man, in a way. I really like my nelf, Z. Nelfs are hot. It fun to play Z.

Well, I still want to fall in love with a real man, get married and all. But I just have to wait.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2013-02-10 08:18 pm

Never ever

Oh the frustration! I've been sick so I haven't seen him and now it seems that he's sick since I haven't seen him and blah. Why the out of sight out of mind thing doesn't work? Whatever I do I still think about him and dream about him. It has always the same pattern. I try to resist, very hard, but I always end up succumbing to him. Some say that love doesn't care about age or anything. Well, that might be true, but I'm troubled by the age difference. I shouldn't be feeling anything towards him. But the more I try to forbid it from myself, the more I seem to come to like and think about him. There's so many but's. He's way too young, I don't really know anything about him and finally the most important thing, what does he think about me?

And for the dude I had some weird interest in, stop looking at me. I don't like it. There's no feelings for you. There's no like, no hate, nothing. I feel nothing towards him. Maybe some disgust, revulsion. Definately no attraction.

Oh my little A. Can't I have you?
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2013-02-02 12:47 pm

Suppressed wishes

I had wonderful dream about him. Again. This just confirms it. I love only the dream him. It's just because I don't know anything about the real him. But it's good thing that this doesn't make me feel anxious of anything. It's just a dream, a pleasant dream but still a dream. The only thing that puzzles me is, why now? I haven't seen him a while, so he shouldn't be on my mind at all. And still my brain decided to present a wonderful dream about him. Am I really over him? I can't say, because I just don't know.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2013-01-25 01:14 pm

Hunger

Seems like I'm not infatuated anymore. There's noone in my head right now. Not even little A. It's kinda relief. But instead, I'm so into fictional men again. My ideal man seems to be so unreal that I doubt I'll never get him. Though it's not the exterior people fall in love with finally. Personality is bigger thing than appearance. But appearance does have its own place in love's equation. I want to find a man with nice looks and nice personality. A balanced solution. Decent intelligence is must too. I want to be awed by him.

But let's talk about fictional men, alright. I love beautiful men with awesome body. Nice abs, nice biceps. Manly, but dashing face. Eyebrows, I absolutely love strong eyebrows. And lips. Wow, beautiful lips are so sexy. Broad shoulders, smaller hips. That's about it, my fantasy man. Well, a general bishounen from shoujo manga.

I can't stand being alone anymore! Please! Someone! Take me!
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2013-01-21 02:55 am

Gentle lies

Yup, I'm over him once again. Got my mind busy on other things. I might still relapse and start drooling over him again, though. It's quite possible, but I try not to think about it. Why bother to worry or something. If it happens, it happens. I'm sure it'll just go away with some time. And besides, my infatuation is just skin-deep. I don't know anything about him, so it's just about his looks. I want more than just looks. I want to know man's personality and what he thinks. He must be interesting.

I'll wait him even for 12,000 years.
elsrith: (pic#5517261)
2013-01-13 06:59 pm

Paranoia

Why do I feel like that all single men are eyeing me? Come on girl! Get a grip! It's impossible. Also I find it weird that little A's aunt's husband has eye on me too. I'm sure it doesn't mean anything but the fact he also knows that I'm crazy about the little A. Crazy is good word for this. I don't quite feel like myself. Part time normal, part time bonkers.

I haven't bothered to think too deeply about my feelings about little A. I'm so sure that the feelings will go away if I ignore them. Sometimes it's difficult to not to notice them. Especially when I feel the cold fire in my veins and burning heat on my cheeks. I try to convince myself that it's impossible. And then I have absolutely wonderful dream about him and there we go again. I must stop this before reality and fantasy is going to entwine so badly that I'm unable to escape.

I really, really, really love you, little A of my dreams. I'm not too sure about the real one.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2013-01-13 12:23 am

Dreaming is torture

I do not love you. I'm in love with the you in my dreams. Damn the sweet, lovely dreams! They're making me feel more and more confused. I have so mixed feelings about this all. Does he like me or am I just paranoid or what are my true feelings? It's clear that my dreams are product of my wishes. Everything is so perfect in dreams. Everything feels right. He's perfect and he loves me. But I don't believe that that's anything near realistic.

Sometimes I feel like he knows about this journal. But that's impossible! No one knows about this! I haven't told about this to anyone I know. This is my secret project.

I just wish there would be somekinda closure to this. A final word about his feelings. Yes or No. No or Yes.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2013-01-11 04:42 pm

Drained

Stupid thoughts go away. I want a man, not a boy, so why oh why my brain? Would you please set little A aside for a moment? You can't fill a cup that's already full. I hate these "oh god I must HAVE him" thoughts. I still get chills from him and my blood turns cold and my cheeks are burning. And still I'm puzzled about his little brother. Tell, why are you looking at me? If your big bro is too young for me, you're definately way too young for me. Can't you tell? I'm thirty now! I'm more mature than you are. I have more experience than you. What kind of little boy magnet am I?!

I decided to wait until I'm thirtyfive before I get married. I want to get my life going well without anyone and I think that I can wait five more years. But these frickin' boys are making me uncomfortable! If you want to know me or something, it won't happen by itself. I won't eat you...
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2012-12-19 04:13 pm

This cold fire

It burns. It burns like frostbites. He made me fall in confusion. I don't know anymore what I feel or what I want to feel. The plain thought that I can see him tomorrow makes me shiver. Why you have to be so much younger than me? Why you have to be such a bishie? I'm yet again a satellite gravitating around you. Yes, this is like gravitation. It draws me towards you but still keeps me in distance. It's not matter of courage. I don't DARE to make any moves. It's not proper. Well, I feel it's not proper. If he wants it, he will come. If not, that's it.

I try to push you away in my mind. I try so hard! But the more I resist, the more I seem to fall. I know that I'm not an average woman. Really, what you see is what you get. No fancy package. This is my true face. Is that what makes you look at me? If it is, I'm happy. No faking, I'm true.

My dream is to be a housewife. I'd happily do all the chores, cooking and baking. I only wish my loved one to do dishes from time to time. I don't need anything else in this world. I just want to find man to love, man to care for. My ambition... there was no ambition, ever. Once I reached too high and fell and got badly hurt. I'm not doing that again. No, just you and me. Our small, fuzzy world. I want to be all you want. I can be all you want. All I ask is love.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2012-12-18 09:16 pm

His turn now?

I've managed to ignore him for a long time now. And it's really funny, because I have noticed that he keeps watching me. Poor little A, dissappointed that I'm not showing any interest anymore? Or is it - as my idiotical side wants to believe - interest? And then it comes again... I'm damn too unpretty for him! At least for now.

Last weekend was two day convention. I has always huge impact on my selfesteem when I see all those skinny, pretty and nicely dressed sisters there. I feel so ugly and fat compared to them. But then I remember that damn, I have awesome personality compared to them. I'd like to think that they all are superficial and not as good wife material as I am. And there, amongst all the skinny/pretty sisters, he's looking at me. ME! Should I feel flattered? Well, actually I'm not. I'm more like confused, puzzled. It's either interest or he ponders if I'm still interested.

Still... I would consider him.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2012-08-12 08:53 pm

Damn my stupidity

I've managed to shut him off of my brain for a while. But still he makes me swoon. All I can think of is how damn chubby and ugly I am and he's so pretty. Gorgeous. Perfect. Not for me. I saw him at Prisma today. I went to buy new cross stitch -magazine, frozen pizza and chocolate bar. There he was, standing in cashierline. I'm 100% sure he saw me and recognized me. So, he lives nearby since he goes to MY Prisma. I just have to restrain myself and not let the stalker-mode to switch on. I want to be slimmer and prettier. And younger...
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2012-07-25 03:37 pm

Strange calm

He must know. He must. I'm that kind of person that all my feelings are shown on my face. I can't hide what I feel unless I do it on purpose. When I know what feeling to hide it goes well, but otherwise everyone can guess what my emotions are. But I just can't help it. I'm drawn to him. Unlike with the-one-I-don't-bother-to-think-about, my feelings are the same every morning. Even if I'm in agony at night, I still like him in the morning. My blood turns cold when I think the next time I'll see him. I'd really like to know what he thinks about me. I'm confused. This is beauty and the beast backwards. He's so gorgeous, beautiful. And I'm plain, plump. I don't even use much make-up. Well, it's "what you see is what you get". Atleast I don't cover my face with thick make-up.

Whenever my brain goes on idle setting, I start thinking about him. But it's pleasant, compared to the certain someone I'm not comfortable to talk about. That one was older and his looks can't be compared with my little A. My heart aches. Even the possibility, that he might have some interest in me makes my whole body go numb. My heart is squeezed into small ball. My blood is like ice, but my face feels like it's burning. If he was to talk to me, I think my knees would go all jelly.

But my affection isn't pure. I'm not innocent, not one bit.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2012-07-22 02:30 pm

I would do it all for you...

I really really really thought that I'd be over little A. But of course not!!! He makes my blood boil, my limbs go numb and I feel like falling from a cliff. I'm so not sure what's going on here. I think he was watching me since I made an eyecontect with him. But I'm still plump as ever and he's so gorgeous. And there's still this thing called his little brother. I'm not sure... Little D might have a crush on me, I'm really not sure. But they act kinda strange. Usually they sit at the back and I sit almost at front row. Now they both were one bench row behind me. What is this? WHAT IS THIS?! Can I have my hopes up? Can I? Please?
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2012-06-28 09:38 pm

Indifference

I finally know little M's first name. Now on little M is little T. And I must admit that there's now third little boy... He's little V. So, little A, little T and little V. They're all soooo cute! But they're so different. Let's take Harry Potter to describe them. Little A is totally Draco. Then little V is Harry Potter and little T is Neville Longbottom. And I don't mean just their character, but looks too.

Getting married and all that is not the main thing to make me happy. I'm quite happy alone. But I just yearn for companionship, friendship and romance. Caring for someone. I think that's more important to make someone else happy that making oneself happy. If I could give happiness to my most beloved person I would be happy too.

I know I will find someone. But the thing is, I WANT IT NOW.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2012-05-31 09:06 pm

Just put me out of misery

How I could convey my feelings to him? Without embarrassing myself of course. My heart sings "I want to love you, I want to love you" every time I see him. My very core begs, look at me! And I don't know if he looks. I don't dare to stare at him. I'm afraid of my own hunger. Little A, do you have someone in your mind? If not, why not me? I'm sure I could make any man happy. And I'd be happy just being with you. I want to love you...
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2012-05-29 04:33 am

Is my heart going to bleed?

The thought that he would never want me is becoming unbearable. Please, I want you to want me... This is like from Beauty and the Beast. Like Beast says: Oh, it's no use. She's so beautiful, and I'm... Well, look at me! I know that feel bro. I'm pretty, but all this goddammit fat covers it. And when I'm not thinking about my looks, I start to worry over my personality. Am I too boyish or something. I do know, that in love all that matters not. But I just cannot worry.

I can imagine hordes of young women around him, that's how good looking he is. But I can also, well, sense that he might be nice person to live with. At least I think I'm easy person to get along with. I wouldn't mind his hobbies, music taste or anything. I don't feel any need to change him. I like the way he dresses. He can do whatever he wants if he just likes me.

Geh, I'm so stupid.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2012-05-25 06:12 pm

Second coming of dreams

He appeared in my dreams again. Now he had bigger role than in previous one. Thinking of him makes me smile. That must be bad sign. The one-whose-name-is-not-proper-to-mention just caused me endless pain, I loathed myself of thinking of him and I was in constant denial. This time I feel so... happy! So this must be bad. There's no chance he would like me. I'm not that attractive. But I don't care, this all makes me so happy that I DON'T CARE! I feel so warm inside and the dream was so sweet. I don't even care about the age difference. What age? He'll be adult eventually. I can wait. If he doesn't find anyone, I have slight chance. Only slight, though I just stated I have none. I can't make up my mind if I have a chance or not. Time will tell, I guess. But he has charmed me. I know nothing of him and I don't even care about that. His smile is so pretty. For this level of attraction that is enough.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2012-05-20 01:51 am

Stupid brain

There's three boys I kinda like. First is little A, he's so gorgeous! Then there is little A's little brother D and little M. Why I must be so old and they so young? I really want to date someone. Most of my problems would vanish with that, since most of my problems are caused by frustration. I have never before felt this kind of need for love. But come one! Why I keep checking on boys when I need a man?
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
2012-05-17 04:44 pm

Broken

I had to delete few of my earlier posts. I just couldn't bear to think I had some kind of feelings towards M. He's total opposite of my ideal. I really hate the martyr in me. Like "no one else will ever love me boohoo, let's get that guy since he likes me." That's the way I got into relationship with my ex. I got so giddy of the feeling being wanted and ended up dating him. Not to mention of the long distance. Geez, how stupid I was. And now I'm pondering if I'm still being stupid, liking the little A. But I do like more younger men than older.