elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
Yes, he is a dream. Fictional portrait of a living person. Totally fictional person in the shape of a someone that exists but is too far from reach. I can't reach him, so I dream. And I like of my dream. I just wish I didn't have to wake up, because I have nothing. I have nothing! I have only a shadow of a person and I have fallen for that shadow. The shadow I can shape into my liking. But he's not the shadow, he's something else, so I have nothing. Feeling quite poetical tonight.

*sigh* All this and I can't help but cherishing the dream.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
So, my little A has invaded my dreams. I didn't want to wake up. It seems that I'm slowly starting to accept the age difference. Oh yes, if he did like me, I'd go for it. But at the same time I know there's no way he'd ever like me. I accept that too. And still I want him. I want to know more about him. I want to know all about him! I don't care if he's no Einstein or whatever. I don't care about too deep conversations. Hell with it, I'd be satisfied only to be his friend. You can't force your feelings on another person. So true and still I have done it in past. I know better now.

Well, my feelings can't hurt anyone if I keep silent about them. He doesn't have to know. He can guess, but I'm not telling until he has feelings for me. Which I really, really, really doubt he'd ever have. Life can be strange sometimes, so I'm not abandoning my hope. There is slight possibility that he would start liking me. The chance is like 0,01%. I don't care, I still like him.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
I have been pondering about this age difference stuff. The difference of 12 years can't be that bad, can it? I'm not interested to have children anyway. And I look younger than my years. So why should I be ashamed? And he doesn't have to know about my feelings. I don't care if he guesses, then he can develop his own opinion about the matter. Really, he should be the one to make the decision, since my heart is so fickle and stupid. If he wants me, I'm going to have him. Though it feels so far-fetched at the moment. But life is weird and anything can happen. If he can deal with our age difference, why should I do otherwise?

Friday was the 7th day since I put in my application. I should get my letter tomorrow. I really want to get dem moneyz tomorrow. I want to eat better and lose weight. I'd hate to get some illness caused by overweight.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
I guess my infatuation with little A hasn't come to its end. I think I want him. He got the looks. But relationship should not be based on looks only. And there's another but... I don't want to be the one to make the first move. It's difficult to explain why I feel so. Most people encourage to make confession and take the lead. I just can't. It's better him to be oblivious than know that older woman swoons over him. Much better him to only guess but not to know. I feel better if he doesn't actually know. He can guess all he wants, but no way I'm confessing anything.

My dreams are becoming annoying. Every cell in me yearns for love. It has been so long since I felt this way. My previous episode that included M was nothing like this. My very core was repulsed by my consideration of him. I don't find him attractive at all. Why must I always condemn myself to men I can't stand? Even my ex was that kinda person, that I should have left him before he hurt me. In some point I was considering of leaving him. Now I ask myself, why I was stubborn and continued? He changed so much and at the end he wasn't the cute boy I fell for. He became a man I didn't know. Maybe this is one reason I'm so reluctant to confess to A.

It's always like this! The men that aren't my type fall for me and the guys that are my type never fall for me! My sweet little A. I just wish you were at least 3 years older.

Okay, I hate myself so much right now. I have almost forgotten my mission to lose all extra weight for him. Well, not only for him. I'm into it more of for myself, but a bit for him too. I want so show him how pretty I can be. It's just I don't have enough money to buy all the healthy stuff. That's why I applied for social aid. I could get about 600€. That would be quite enough. The reply is coming any day now. Then I'm buying lots of healthy stuff and I'm in normal weight 'till Christmas! So A, please wait for me...
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
I have returned to my "forever alone" mood. It feels like I won't ever find anyone and I'm fated to love only fictional men. Seems like my hormones have settled down, finally. If it was possible to decide your gender before birth, I would have chosen to be a male. Since childhood, I never felt much like female. I liked a lot things that traditionally only boys like. I did have dolls, but I never played mother. No, I was never pretending to be a mother to my dolls. Playing with legos with little brother was much more fun. And being Batman. Or some other tv hero.

My dad once said to me, that I must have male brain, because I don't think like women. It's true, my brain don't seem to be 100% female. Only when my hormones decide to go crazy. In my teens I really rebelled against my gender. I shouted to mom to take away my period and what not. I didn't want my breasts, I didn't embrace my feminity. I hated every bit. Only after my first love I started my slow growth to like what I am.

I have noticed that I'm so damn hetero. So, if I was a man, I'd be totally gay. Nothing personal against gay men, but I do prefer being woman and like men more than being man and like men. After this revelation I really started to embrace my gender. And the more woman I feel, the more I feel need for a man. But as I stated, I'm doomed to be forever alone. It's impossible to find the man of my dreams. Luckily there's another but. I tend to forget my ideal after I spot interesting male specimen. At the moment there's none. I came to my senses and disbanded any thoughts towards the little A. He ain't for me. I need a man not a boy.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
Damned be my stupid, fickle, whimsical heart! I have entered the state of evasion and refusal. After being so amorous I suddenly deny everything and try to escape from my fantasies. Yes, he's only a fantasy for me. Shadow of my first love. He's too young. He possibly can't take care of me like man takes care of his woman. And I'm afraid I'd be only some kind of mother-figure.

I'm feeling dejected. Every guy I pick is somehow incompatible. I'm mistaking lust for love all the time. Is this really hopeless?

Blinded

Apr. 11th, 2012 02:40 am
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
If he was to say to me "will you marry me?" in this instant, I would scream yes! But I have no delusions here, he's so much younger and I'm not 100% sure he's attracted to me. But, but, but!!! I would rather take him than M... It finally came to me why I'm so attracted to him. He resembles a lot of my first love, N. So if situations go to that he would ask me to be his gf, I would say yes. I really would like to get to know him better. I want to know more. I want...
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
My emotions are in a bit mess. What should I do? All that considers M are buried and sealed away, but A is starting invade my mind. From the start (years ago) I have never even considered M to be anything to me. It's kinda difficult for me to see why I had that short infatuation with him. I really doubt that we would have anything in common. And if he had liked me for ages, why didn't he make a move on me? Sorry M, you had that small chance and now it's gone forever. Compared to A, M's physical qualities don't even come close. I have always been very sexual person. If I can't see myself having sex with the man, I tend to avoid getting romantically involved with him. M was like that, but my brain was stubborn and convinced me he could be the one. So now we come back to A. He can take me whenever he wants...

After I stopped taking contraceptive pills (single = no need = why waste money) my sexual desire level have skyrocketed. Dammit, I feel like some animal in heat! And it annoys and frustrates me. I'm the kind to have flings and such, so all I can do is wait. Even with this desire, I did not feel comfortalbe wanting M. I made myself to think it would be ok, but it isn't. I want to totally surrender myself to a man I love.

My pheromones must be going haywire. Maybe that's why I attracted J and D? Because J didn't show any interest in me until lately and with D it's the same. In last congregation gathering I noticed that A was watching me. Affected by my pheromones, aye? What else could it be? Even guy named S, sometimes watches me and he's goddammit married! My body must be oozing some chemical. Just like an animal in heat... My life is such a soap-opera inside of my mind.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
I'm starting to get a bit troubled because of my interest in A. If I ever happened to get together with him, what people would think about 10+ age difference? And what would his parents think. Not to mention D. My friend said that she heard somwhere that A isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I kinda don't care. Isn't it that, that with couples it's enough when other one is clever. He's just so beautiful that I get almost dizzy. Though D isn't half bad either. He has very long eyelashes.

Oh, my, god... Why do I even consider those boys. Dammit, I'm mature woman compared to them. Though I really don't feel like being mature at all. The woman part is kinda the only truth about "mature woman". I'm not girl anymore. Only people about twenty years older than me are allowed to call me girl.

Anyways, I think I could be happy with A. It's just that he is so pretty (real life bishounen) and I'm kinda plain and chubby. I have noticed during years, that men don't actually go for me for my looks. I really think that my smile is the thing that draws them to me. Sounds a bit silly. But there's no other way to explain why someone gorgeous would go after the round and baby face me.

Well, this I must observe further. I'm not in a hurry to anywhere.
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
He's finally out of my system. From now on I'm referring him as M. Whole liking thing must have been just temporal insanity. Or just revenge of my suffocated feelings. I have really, really, really tried to bury all wishes of dating and even marriage because of my ex. He really fooled me there. I ended up giving him everything I was and when I found out he had fallen for another woman, I was devastated. But I'm glad that I'm over him too. I'm not ever going to refer him anything but "ex". He deserves no better.

So, what now? My desire for relationship has been awakened from deep, deep slumber. Now that I don't have anything towards M, I can seek for my ideal man. I do know more than well, that you can never actually find that ideal man. But where's the fun if I don't at least try? My requirements are not as particular as they used to be when I was a teenager. I used to carry a list of my requirements for a man in my wallet. Silly, ain't it? That's ten years ago. Against major belief, I have matured.

Another problem has aroused. There's this one really cute guy in my congregation. Well, not a big problem you might think. But, he's underaged. I feel like pedobear whenever I bask in his glorious visage. I haven't talked to him, just because I have mild interest in him. Twelve year age difference is just too much. I'm a bit shoutacon, must admit. But would never ever do anything illegal. Let's call him A. He's not the whole problem. The other part is his little brother, D. I might be paranoid or something, but I think he's taken interest in me. I can't confirm anything, but whenever I lay my eyes on him he turns his eyes away. This I must observe further.

And still, there's one more guy. He'll be J. He's older than me, just like M, but the difference isn't as unbearable as it is with M. He's clearly taken interst in me. He hasn't actually talked to me, but to my parents. Building good foundation with possible inlaws? Whatever it is, it's making me uncomfortable.

Kinda weird. First I actually thought that M was my only option and I had to settle with that and now I notice there's bunch of males that find me interesting. I'm so glad that I got over M. I can't even think of life with him, so why did I consider it so seriously? Damn women! I have never understood other women and now I see that I'm no different from them. No wonder I don't understand myself from time to time. I blame hormones.

So my quest for husband continues. I really hate the "damsel in distress" play that some women pull. No way I'm going to be the poor little princess waiting for her prince. Ohnoes, I'm warrior queen looking for "sire in distress"!
elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
Now that I have completely accepted, that he might be ok to choose, I have been able to get over him. He doesn't dominate my mind as much as he did. But this all made very clear to me, that I want, need, desire a relationship. It's been long since I felt so strongly about anyone. I still think that he could be the one, but I still want to take my time to make up my mind. Actually it's relieving that my mind isn't such a mess anymore. Living alone just have made me crave for someone to love.

It's been years since I felt like wanting to love someone. My previous experiences haven't been much couraging. And now that I think back, I haven't really loved anyone. Not properly. I have felt only strong infatuation. Those feeling were always filled with doubt, possessiveness, jealousy and anger. Not love. Love is caring, gentle, selfless and forgiving. That kind of feelings I have felt only towards my family and friends. Because every man I have had feelings for I have grown to hate. Love should not change into hate. That's not real love. Feels kinda dissappointing and sad to realise that I haven't loved anyone in my life. Though I have always been seeking for love. If I ever did love someone, I should still have positive feelings towards them. but I don't. Every single man I have fancied, I hate now.

Kinda pathetic. But still, I don't want to label myself "Forever Alone" yet.

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Elysian

March 2013

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