May. 10th, 2012

elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
I guess my infatuation with little A hasn't come to its end. I think I want him. He got the looks. But relationship should not be based on looks only. And there's another but... I don't want to be the one to make the first move. It's difficult to explain why I feel so. Most people encourage to make confession and take the lead. I just can't. It's better him to be oblivious than know that older woman swoons over him. Much better him to only guess but not to know. I feel better if he doesn't actually know. He can guess all he wants, but no way I'm confessing anything.

My dreams are becoming annoying. Every cell in me yearns for love. It has been so long since I felt this way. My previous episode that included M was nothing like this. My very core was repulsed by my consideration of him. I don't find him attractive at all. Why must I always condemn myself to men I can't stand? Even my ex was that kinda person, that I should have left him before he hurt me. In some point I was considering of leaving him. Now I ask myself, why I was stubborn and continued? He changed so much and at the end he wasn't the cute boy I fell for. He became a man I didn't know. Maybe this is one reason I'm so reluctant to confess to A.

It's always like this! The men that aren't my type fall for me and the guys that are my type never fall for me! My sweet little A. I just wish you were at least 3 years older.

Okay, I hate myself so much right now. I have almost forgotten my mission to lose all extra weight for him. Well, not only for him. I'm into it more of for myself, but a bit for him too. I want so show him how pretty I can be. It's just I don't have enough money to buy all the healthy stuff. That's why I applied for social aid. I could get about 600€. That would be quite enough. The reply is coming any day now. Then I'm buying lots of healthy stuff and I'm in normal weight 'till Christmas! So A, please wait for me...


elsrith: mata090680 (Default)

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