Apr. 17th, 2012

elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
I have returned to my "forever alone" mood. It feels like I won't ever find anyone and I'm fated to love only fictional men. Seems like my hormones have settled down, finally. If it was possible to decide your gender before birth, I would have chosen to be a male. Since childhood, I never felt much like female. I liked a lot things that traditionally only boys like. I did have dolls, but I never played mother. No, I was never pretending to be a mother to my dolls. Playing with legos with little brother was much more fun. And being Batman. Or some other tv hero.

My dad once said to me, that I must have male brain, because I don't think like women. It's true, my brain don't seem to be 100% female. Only when my hormones decide to go crazy. In my teens I really rebelled against my gender. I shouted to mom to take away my period and what not. I didn't want my breasts, I didn't embrace my feminity. I hated every bit. Only after my first love I started my slow growth to like what I am.

I have noticed that I'm so damn hetero. So, if I was a man, I'd be totally gay. Nothing personal against gay men, but I do prefer being woman and like men more than being man and like men. After this revelation I really started to embrace my gender. And the more woman I feel, the more I feel need for a man. But as I stated, I'm doomed to be forever alone. It's impossible to find the man of my dreams. Luckily there's another but. I tend to forget my ideal after I spot interesting male specimen. At the moment there's none. I came to my senses and disbanded any thoughts towards the little A. He ain't for me. I need a man not a boy.


elsrith: mata090680 (Default)

March 2013

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