Apr. 10th, 2012

elsrith: mata090680 (Default)
My emotions are in a bit mess. What should I do? All that considers M are buried and sealed away, but A is starting invade my mind. From the start (years ago) I have never even considered M to be anything to me. It's kinda difficult for me to see why I had that short infatuation with him. I really doubt that we would have anything in common. And if he had liked me for ages, why didn't he make a move on me? Sorry M, you had that small chance and now it's gone forever. Compared to A, M's physical qualities don't even come close. I have always been very sexual person. If I can't see myself having sex with the man, I tend to avoid getting romantically involved with him. M was like that, but my brain was stubborn and convinced me he could be the one. So now we come back to A. He can take me whenever he wants...

After I stopped taking contraceptive pills (single = no need = why waste money) my sexual desire level have skyrocketed. Dammit, I feel like some animal in heat! And it annoys and frustrates me. I'm the kind to have flings and such, so all I can do is wait. Even with this desire, I did not feel comfortalbe wanting M. I made myself to think it would be ok, but it isn't. I want to totally surrender myself to a man I love.

My pheromones must be going haywire. Maybe that's why I attracted J and D? Because J didn't show any interest in me until lately and with D it's the same. In last congregation gathering I noticed that A was watching me. Affected by my pheromones, aye? What else could it be? Even guy named S, sometimes watches me and he's goddammit married! My body must be oozing some chemical. Just like an animal in heat... My life is such a soap-opera inside of my mind.


elsrith: mata090680 (Default)

March 2013

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